If you want to keep lines of communication open with your teenager, what should you be doing? It can help if you:

Look for opportunities to talk off-message

If your teenager knows that every conversation with you means a lecture on something, they're going to avoid them.

But if they're used to chatting to you about fun stuff, inconsequential stuff, things they're interested in and doing, they'll stop and tune in and be relaxed with you. Then, when you do want to discuss something important or ask them to do something differently, they're likely to listen.

Use 'I' messages

If there is an issue you're concerned about, it isn't always effective to broach it with a 'you' message: 'you left the kitchen in a mess'. Instead try, 'I was upset this morning to find the kitchen in a mess because I had to tidy it up before I could make breakfast. Next time, please clear up after yourself. Thanks.'

Use open questions

Closed questions only need a short answer and don't give the opportunity to say any more. Closed questions can suggest or even tell the person what you want them to hear. 'Did you have a good time at school today?' implies that you expect them to have enjoyed school. When we use closed questions as a way of making a criticism - about their appearance, behavior, attitude - it's quite clear the question isn't to be answered, but swallowed. And it's often a quick step to an argument.

Instead, try an opener instead. An opener carries with it a different messages, one that says, 'Tell me more, I'm interested and listening.' Some examples of open questions are, 'Tell me about your day', 'You seem fed up/happy, tell me about it.'

Treat the young person as an equal

You may still feel that your teenager is not experienced enough to cope on their own, but one day soon they will be. Treating a teenager as an equal does not make them arrogant or out of control. On the contrary, it gives them every incentive to live up to your trust. Part of this is accepting that you and they may have different views, beliefs and opinions, which isn't always easy for parents.

Give frequent 'strokes'

We all need to be rewarded, to be praised and thanked and appreciated. Sometimes we forget how much we need to value others and to be valued by them.

-              Share something of yourself

-              Practice what you preach

-              Listen without judgement or criticism

-              Appreciate them for their positive qualities

-              Give unconditional love but hold strong boundaries over behavior

-              Include the young person in family activities but give them the choice to opt out.

-              Understand and take action only when asked for help.